19 years.

On the eve of 2005, 19 years ago, I eagerly awaited the little bundle of joy to present himself into our familial unit. His sister, excited for the house in mummy's tummy to open up. I was flowing with what was in our present and naively navigating how family life was going to be for us, as a family of 4.

These beautiful moments supporting me to bring forth reflections, an inquiry of the happenings that moved through me as I prepared for the earthly arrival of my second offspring at the age of 21.

I remember the insecurity within.

"Was it going to be like the first time?"

"How will I function with a 3 year old and a newborn?"

"Will he (their father) actually be more supportive of me being "Just a Mum" now?"

"Will I be more successful at breastfeeding?"

"No DRUGS to support me, this time".

A whole lot of insecurities, doubting my own capacity crept in. The mothering of isolation, Fear, and confusion being fed by my internal and external environments.

I did it! No drugs. Oh yeah, the smallest of follow throughs that supported me in empowerment.

The birth of this beautiful being was the male guiding light of the love, not "Just" as his mother but as a womb-an, that I required in my life to show me that not all males were dishonouring to the femme. He showed up with more gumption and attunement, a capacity beyond his young life on earth.

From my perspective and experiences, he was living a life outside of the box, often to the resistance of most of the family and other external environments, especially social engagements.

His upbringing calling my maternal energy to support and guide in ways that required me to step out of my unconscious patterns, and be guided in new ways to support his whole being.

A calling to expand upon emotional regulation, advocacy, communication efficacy, knowledge and my internal maternal intuition, and it was one that supported me in self inquiry and evolution.

I only visited the hospital for around 24 hours to birth him. He was a natural feeder, or perhaps I was more informed this round, and we took him home.

I quickly faced the reality of the situation, I had to take him out later in that evening, a little over 24 hours old to the supermarket to stock the cupboards of food for our family. I was extremely exhausted, yet grateful for the being that would be the guiding beacon I required.

The life experiences provision, protection, nurture and nourishment, we pretty limited throughout his early childhood.

Together we journeyed a beautiful 9 months of breastfeeding, an experience that nurtured the bond between us, while strengthening his system with nourishment. He certainly detested sleeping, sending me into a significant sleep deprived state.

His sister doted on him, acknowledging the competitiveness that was often projected through her behavioural patterns, a common pattern that I have come to observe with first borns. Perhaps an experience that is relative to the amount of support and village surrounding the familial unit.

His father, well... I was always told as a child, "If you can't say anything nice, then don't say it at all". So... I will leave my perspective of this "Man" out of the tribute to my son.

He loved to play cars, lining them up and colour coding them. We were outside a lot pottering around, often with a die cast model car in his hand, and a very curious inquiry into his external world. Playful, joyous and magical, that inspired me to be more playful, joyous and magical.

"What are you going to do with yourself?" A question I was often asked. He was 16 Months old, my daughter 4.5ish. I suppose I enrolled into Tafe, Certificate 111 in Childrens' Services to appease the others around me who downgraded a woman's capacity in her motherhood.

I am grateful for the experience. It guided me more in the acknowledgment, acceptance and allowances in the development of our humanness, AND I also met some magical peers that were a vital life source.

His separation anxiety with me was an interesting navigation of our process together, where the investment of mothering, schooling, house duties and spousal created a juggling act in the circus, and he was required to attend day care.

"I'll support you through this process" One man, his father would say to me. He financially supported the process, the rest was on me. I'm sure many Single Mother's out there know what it's like to write assignments while having a toddler and an older child.

I took it in my stride, often unsure how I would make deadlines of assignments, sleepless nights, behavioural patterns of my own and others and "martyred" on. The tyrranical woman had a point to prove. No matter what the cost.

I remember standing in the kitchen one day, he had been "naughty" by enforced definition, and I had used my hand as a weapon to support him in the harsh lessons of life. By punishment. I rejected my own unconscious behaviour, based on the reflective tears of how I had come to find myself in a position of experiencing so much anger and resentment. In times of need, I had to rely upon Child Care Services to be of support. Sure, I had "some" familial support, which was often more a trigger for me, that I wasn't ready to process.

The desperation for my situation to change grew bigger, than my ability to withstand the abusive behaviour patterns of others in my environment. I knew my children required protection, nurture and nourishment from me. Not Punitive force.

It was that moment in the kitchen, he was 2.5 that I had decided that I needed to face the fight of my life.

My mothering experience began at age 17. So many aspects of this journey that I was so unprepared for, facing homelessness as a single mother of 2, at 24 was one that I processed through. The results of a relationship that held extremely unhealthy boundaries.

A little moment in our lives, 16 years ago.

A super loving, caring, compassionate and considerate young one, our bond was inseparable.

With many chapters of our journey being written, we have now come to a place where the honour for his life occurs from a distance, and I forgive this for being the situation. We all do the best we can and often, it can feel like sometimes we're not.

I am grateful that he is his best self, celebrating 19 years of living on this earth, tomorrow.

I adore him, regardless of the circumstances.

Happy Birthday to Him and happy honouring the moments to me.

Holding our young people with gratitude and love,

Tegan